Q&A: Isn’t it OUR wedding? long question…?
Question by I can eat in public too!: Isn't it OUR wedding? long question...?
How do you deal with a future MIL who challenges EVERY decision you're making with your wedding? I just started planning and she has something to say about every little thing already! and we haven't even thought of any real little details yet!
example: I want to have pie at my wedding instead of cake, because I love pie and it'd be strawberry season when we're getting married and a good strawberry rhubarb pie is better than any cake in my opinion -- and my fiance agrees. My future MIL last night comes over and asks about that and says that it'd be an awesome theme for the bridal shower and that we can have a pie bridal shower but we can't have pie at the wedding. she kept going on and on about the pie bridal shower! How lame is that for a bridal shower theme? Nothing should be themed around the pie, I just wanted pie at my wedding. But she kept saying "I think that's an awesome idea for the shower!" I said I wanted to give tarts away for wedding favors and she shot that down by saying that'd be too messy and people will carry the pie in their suit coats and it'll get all over their clothes. WTF? I'm inviting adults to the wedding, I think they can handle pie.
another example: We're also looking at places to book and there's a place I found and can actually afford and it's BEAUTIFUL and it holds 100 people inside and we'd have a tent outside for more people to go in and out. my FMIL keeps bitching about how she heard that the place I want to book has no room in it (it does, I checked it out) for that many people and then she sends me links to these banquet halls (not my style at all) and these places that don't even hold that many people! She suggested a place that only holds 70 people. She suggests banquet halls even though I said I want to have the reception outside. She already had her wedding!
am I being crazy or is it just weird that EVERYTHING I've brought up has been shot down by her. aside from not talking to her about the wedding until the actual day happens, what can I do to keep from going crazy? My fiance just ignores her and has for his whole life practically (she's quite nosey), so I can't exactly have him tell her to back off. SHE'S going to make me into a bridezilla.
anyways, were your in-laws like this? what's the worst thing your in-laws (or any family member) did at your wedding or during your wedding planning? STORIES please! I don't want to feel all alone in my FMIL hell...
oh god, nachele! that's AWFUL!! I'd never speak to the lady myself if she did that to me.
she also wants me to have a cash bar and said she refuses to help with anything on the day of the wedding because it's her day to relax! it's myyyyy day, MY DAYYY, I want a day! I get a day, I deserve a day. I feel like she's stealing the spotlight. she's also the woman who calls our son "her baby." he's MY baby! I want to cry just thinking about it.
and I admit, I just used this question to vent but I needed it and feel much better... 
Ihaveaquestionforyou -- I was talking about my actual son, not my fiance when I was explaining the 'my baby' thing. she calls MY son her baby. not my fiance. it's her grandchild, not her baby. she didn't give birth to her grandson, I did. I could care less if she calls her son her baby, because I have my own baby and my fiance isn't my baby.
and I am not compromising with her for every decision with our wedding, and that's what it's turning out to be. the location, the date, the food, the pie, the invites, my dress, the colors, etc. have all been a huge thing to her and everything has been a discussion and turned into a battle. and she wants to do all of that her way. She wants me to use her friend's purple wedding decorations and purple isn't a color. know what I'm saying?
Best answer:
Answer by Luv2Answer
I think you are right about her over stepping and saying too much BUT I honestly think she is just being helpful. She is right about the cake and the issue with the venue I think.
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Wow. I could have written this! I probably will be writing this in the future. I admit, I laughed because of the pie thing. It’s so funny. I think pie at a wedding is different, but could be awesome. I’ve had pie that was way better than cake.
I would just take it with a grain of salt. If she is not writing the checks, then all she can do is suggest.
my MIL tried to destroy my wedding by writing “Congratulations Bionka!” on our wedding cake…..bionka is the name of my husbands psychologist who she wanted him to marry. she said it was an accident because she had been thinking about bionka while placing the order. ???????
My best advice to you would be to NOT bring up any of your ideas until its too late to change them. My fiances parents wanted us to get married in a small town (we live an hour away from) because they could have a cheaper open bar. Knowing this about them, we just came over one day and told them that we booked a great place. If you go about it that way, they cant bitch too much cause its done! Don’t get me wrong, I;ve heard a few times from them about how the wedding would be better in this town, but you have to let that crap roll off your back.
Our biggest bust up was when we said we didn’t want babies at the ceremony or reception and we knew this would be a huge problem for them. Their only daughter has just had her baby and they lost it (so did the sister) We just dug our heels in and got through it. They aren’t happy about it and I don’t care. You have to tell yourself that you may make some decisions that they wont like, but they are yours to make. You need to understand that they wont be happy and that’s fine with you. If you try to make everyone happy, then you’ll miss all the fun.
Good luck!!
Well, I did have some problems with my future mother in law. My fiance and I are from different cultural backgrounds so when small issues started coming up, we’d disagree a lot. For example, she wasn’t toooooo happy about our wedding location or the fact that we did not want to have a bigger wedding.
You know, honestly.. I know exactly how you feel, but sometimes it’s just easier to say “that’s a nice idea, but I’m still going to get pie. It’s my wedding and that’s really what I prefer.” not in a mean tone, but firm.
Once I made the fact known that it was MY wedding, she backed off a bit. In my case I think she was just trying to be helpful (or at least I’ve tricked myself into believing that), but it sounds like you’ve got someone very pushy on your hands.
Bottom line is though, you’re going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life…trust me, after a while, the arguing and making big deals about details gets really tiring and old. Just try your best to not blow up at her, but firmly let her know that you won’t let her walk all over you or your wedding.
Good luck!
My EX-MIL picked out the most horrible Mother-of-the-Groom dress. Thank God, the woman at the shop saw my face and when we went for the fitting, the original dress couldn’t be done in time, but she had something that was lovely – it was still not my taste, but MUCH better than the original horror she picked out, I could have kissed that saleswoman! My parents were paying for the wedding – we had decided on 150 people – 50 for my folks, 50 for her and 50 for us. My EX-MIL decided that because she came from a larger family that she would pay for the extra guests on her side – I told her absolutely not – it was OUR wedding day – in fact, any cancellations she got came to us so we could invite friends that we otherwise couldn’t have had there. Also, because she had 8 grandchildren – she expected them to be in attendance at the wedding, receiption and in the wedding. Again, told her no way, I had nephews of my own and there will be no children in the wedding party or at the reception. She was insistent and I warned her people with children will be met at the door and turned away by security. As you can see, now you know why she’s my EX-MIL. Also, my ex-hubby didn’t have the guts to stand up to her – that’s why he’s my ex also. Stand your ground or it will carry over after the wedding. GOOD LUCK!!
Can you not try to compromise with her? If he is her only child, then this is her only chance to take part in planning a wedding–that’s a big deal for a lot of mothers. Regarding the banquet all: why is that such a big deal? Tell her that you will contribute what you would have paid for the place you originally picked and if she’s willing to pay the remaining balance for the banquet hall, then you’ll use the banquet hall. I’m sure you can find one that opens to a garden area so that you can have the outdoor setting you want. As for the bridal shower, again, compromise. I understand that she may be a bit overbearing, but your friends should be planning the bridal shower anyway–not you. Don’t forget that the day is about marrying the man you love. Are you really going to look back in 50 years and be pissed if she picked the theme for the bridal shower? No. What you’ll remember is the wedding itself and how much you love your husband.
It is your day, but you seem to be so fixated on the fact that it’s YOUR day that you’re being overly-sensitive to her suggestions. Giver her a break. It’s just her way of showing that she’s excited for you. Remember, you can’t change her, only the way you respond to her. It is in your best interest to try to compromise because she will be in your life for a very long time.
Lastly, he is HER baby. She gave birth to him, she raised him, etc. Good Lord, quit whining over something so silly.
Honestly your best defense is to just ignore her. It’s your wedding and you do as you please….do what makes you and your future hubby happy…and not what makes someone else happy…..one thing that matters to is–is she helping pay for the wedding? If she is-then maybe you might need to come up with a compromise with her….but at the same time, she also still need to realize that this is your wedding day and not hers…like you said–she’s had her turn and now it’s your turn…so as my previous advice–do what makes YOU happy…you don’t want to just follow everything she wants you to and one day looking back at your wedding day wishing you should have done things differently!!! If you want pie for your wedding…have pie for your wedding……there’s no cardinal rule saying you have to have a wedding cake!!!! And if you want that place for your wedding then book your wedding there……..if you want to give away tarts as your mini favours….then do that….point in fact–the ultimate decision is up to you and your fiance and not hers…so whatever ideas she suggest, just nod and smile….and either take it into consideration if it’s something that you like or if not, in in one ear and out the other….and also another tactic is maybe you just stop sharing all your ideas with her….stop talking to her about the wedding…who knows maybe she’ll get the idea and just back off completely…..she can’t shot down any of your ideas if she doesn’t know what they are and if she asks, just shrug your shoulder and say something like “oh I’m not too sure yet” or if you share something with her, don’t go into too much detail….and if she becomes too hard headed and just way too involved…I don’t see why it would be wrong for you to say something (but just don’t be rude) and just let her know that you have your own idea of how you want your OWN wedding to be and you want to have a wedding that is your idea and what you’ve dreamed out…stretch that it is YOUR wedding and not hers…but like I said–don’t be rude or abrupt or anything as you don’t obviously want to offend your future mom-in-law!!!
(And to answer your qs–my m-i-l was the same….she had her own ideas (old-fashion) of how a wedidng should be (she said that the dress I liked–which was strapless, mermaid cut–looked like a lingerie–???—and she was suggesting those old fashion style wedding dresses that had long sleeves and turtleneck-y style…yowza!! lol and she also said we need to get married in a church….which we weren’t planning on doing because of all the rules they had…all the classes we had to take…..all the extra prep…..plus we also wanted a simple ceremony followed by a reception right after all in the same place–in short she was making sure i know of her opinion and she kept making suggestions and I just smiled and nodded but at the end of the day, both my hubby and I knew that the day is about us and what we want and not what his mom or anyone else want so we decided on the things that made us happy…and in the end–our wedding was perfect to us and no regrets whatsoever!!! And still..no harm done
)
Respectfully tell your future mother in law that this is yours and her sons wedding, not hers. So decisions will be made between you and your future husband and no one else; you are simply letting her know your plans, not asking if they are ok with her. If she gets really bad, tell her to have a second wedding with her husband (if one) and she can do anything she wants, but not to your wedding. Man, I’m glad I do not have to deal with that. And pie sounds like a great idea!
A well I have not such a bad MIL but to avoid this we had everything planned prior to telling the parents (both sides. Saved us so much aggravation.
Only had to snap once at MIL and my mom (for different reasons).
I would say. probably the best way is what you fiance is doing Ignore it and organise it yourself.
As for her to relax on your wedding day. Say sure you can relax you are one hundred percent right. So you better not get involved in the the organisation otherwise you would not be able to relax as all people would come to you for help. Good luck with the MIL.
your reception will either be in the tent or it will be inside. it wont be both places. people tend to clump together, and, i just dont get how a tent added to the place will be part of your reception.
if i am at a reception i would like to be inside anyway. if you give a tart as a gift to each person, i assume they would be in boxes. otherwise, she is right they cant hold them.
and she is right again, pie just doesnt go with a wedding.
i am glad you asked this question. it is sweet you want to be friends with her and include her. she means well. if you want pie, just say when she gives her opinion, as i did, ” thanks, for your opinion, i have it handled”. if you are paying, you host and get it your way.
perhaps dont share too much with her.
Ooohh dear! I totally know what you are going through!!
My MIL and I got along really well until the wedding plans came into play…. then it was like someone flipped a switch on the side of her head and turned her into something else! It was nuts! She didn’t pay for anything but had all these DEMANDS! “I want shrimp instead of salmon” “I want bacon wrapped scallions”. She invited a whole ton of her relatives to the bridal shower that MY mother was hosting and paying for, and didn’t offer up a dime. Then she actually COMPLAINED to me that we were doing afternoon tea (at a very upscale place). She said “Thats it?! Tea?” I was FURIOUS!! We use to talk and go shopping and stuff before the wedding plans but it got to the point where I avoided that and wouldn’t call because I didn’t want to deal with the nonsense. Then, the week leading up to the wedding all returned to normal….. it was strange. Like the switch flipped back to “normal mode” and now everything is fine again….
I think its a control thing with mothers because their son is about to get married and have another woman in his life to take care of him. Honestly, as tough as it gets just take it in stride and don’t burn your bridges because like it or not you are stuck with the woman! The best thing you can do for yourself is to avoid discussing wedding plans with her…. don’t give her the opportunity to butt in. If she asks, tell her what plans are already in place like. “I ordered my pie. Its really yummy.” things that are set in stone already so she doesn’t mistake that as you wanting advice. If she still offers her opinion then just say “we already ordered the pie.” (or whatever other thing she is weighing in on).
But the best thing I can tell you is to be careful not to burn your bridges too much and pick and choose what you complain to your fiance about. Remember, it still is his mother and if you complain about all the little things she does he will tune it all out and won’t listen when there is a big thing.
Best of luck! You can get through it!
I guess I should consider myself lucky. My inlaws live 1500 miles away and didn’t even bother showing up to our wedding, after they rsvp’ed that they would be there. We even paid for a hotel room for them. After being married for 16 years now and getting to know my MIL I’m kinda glad she wasn’t around for the planning of it all. she makes me crazy!
Listen up, you pie-lovin’ gal: it is YOUR wedding. I am assuming she already had one. If you can compromise with her on some little points, great. If not, read the above statement again.
If you let her take over now, she’ll be doing it for the rest of your marriage. Good luck!